PROP 8.

Early this week, a man wearing a "No on 8" button was beaten with a "Yes on 8" lawn sign in Torrance, CA.

Police are characterizing the assault as a possible hate crime.

The beater, 23-year old Joseph Storm, is scheduled to appear in the Torrance Superior Court today, Wednesday, for arraignment on a felony charge of a hate crime assault and a misdemeanor count for interfering with another's exercise of civil rights.

Authorities did not identify the victim.

However, it was mentioned that Storm had known the victim since junior high.

In the attack, Storm allegedly knocked the victim down with the Yes on 8 sign, then punched him in the face and choked him. He also called the victim a 'derogatory name for homosexuals' during the beating.

Good ol' winners in the South Bay. Maybe this move was an awful idea and I should've stayed with the classy peeps in So Cal. Ha.

Actually, speaking of Prop 8, this came up in a recent conversation with my dad, I don't even know how. Politics isn't usually on our "to discuss" list. Pops informed me that he'll be voting YES on Prop 8, because of his beliefs in the Bible. Fair enough. That same evening I heard a couple of young girls, probably FRESHLY 18, discussing the same thing and their religious beliefs swaying their vote on the matter.

While everyone's completely entitled to their opinion (that's why there's a VOTE in general), I just can't believe that people are still so old fashioned on the gay marriage issue. Aren't there much WORSE things happening in the world in our current time? The least concern in my mind is the fact that same gender individuals have fallen in love and want to be able to document that. Seriously though. Really? Get over it.

Earn Cash.... FAST!

This week has been super up and down. It's only Tuesday night.

Tonight as I was waiting far too long at the bus stop for how cold it was outside, I remembered that no matter where you are located or what it is you're doing, you're job sucks sometimes. ITS A JOB. That's why you get paid to do it. All in all I have a pretty bitchin' one. I have a tendency to let my emotions get the best of me. When it happens, I start thinking irrationally and generalizing my life to ALL be in accordance with my emotions at that time It's unhealthy. It's inaccurate. It's deceiving and it's unfair. Tonight before I lay down to ATTEMPT a solid nights sleep, I can honestly say that I'm content. Here, right now, alone on my couch. Alone in my apartment. Alone in a big city that is all new and uncomfortable. I'm content and I'm happy that I GET to be here. I"m happy that I get to have all these things and get to have this experience.

In other areas of life, I've successfully been here for almost two months now and have not yet had to experience shattered glass next to my car... or my car not being there.... or my car having a fancy yellow apparatus attached to the hubcap. Only two parking tickets. Really nothing to complain about in this city. But let's not jinx it.

And my apartment is coming together well... by this time, after all the places I've moved to in the last few years, I start to see how they all look the same. I don't like that. This issue needs to be confronted and we need to seek a solution. I think the solution may involve the crazy boys I work with that are ridiculous at painting walls...

In other pleasant news... I have friends coming to town this weekend. I get to wear my ridiculous Halloween costume. Get to bartend the party Friday night. Get to go to a rad fashion show Thursday night. Get PAYED Friday. Get to go to LB next weekend. Get to put on the fashion show the following weekend. Get to go home and see my family two weekends after that. Time if flying. It's fuckin nutts.

All in all, despite things that I wish were different right now or in the past, or what I hope will be different in the future.... ultimately at the end of the day, and even at random spontaneous moments of the day, I'm proud of myself. I'd rather fall than never to have flown at all. Safety is for the faint of hearts and dreamers never sleep.

The first, but definitely not the last....

...fashion show put on by yours truly.

Oh, Random SOMA Party

Had a really fun night last night. Super random,.... super fun. I needed that.

And I'm learning some character traits about Boots McGee that I was never aware of.... she loves to steal my keys and hide them under the couch. I am trying to train her to be a domesticated animal. I'll follow up on this process.

PAIN MEDS.

Drinking more. Eating more. Smoking more. Fucking more.











Who prescribed that? I know for DAMN sure none of that works for me.

Good ol' Xanex? Help.

Sexy Time Part II

Watch out, Amsterdam!
San Francisco could be the first major U.S. city to decriminalize prostitution.
On November 4th, the city's voters will decide whether or not to approve Proposition K, a measure that forbids local authorities from investigating, arresting or prosecuting anyone for selling sex.
Prop K wouldn't legalize prostitution, per se, because California state law still prohibits it.
However, the measure would eliminate the power of local law enforcement officials to go after prostitutes.
Proponents say the measure will free up $11 million the police spend each year arresting prostitutes and allow them to form a union of sorts that would help protect their rights and safety.







...I don't know how I feel about this.

Sexy Time.

Well I'm about a week deep staying at my new place and last night I had THEE worst sleep of possibly my whole life. Well that's a stretch, but definitely since living here in San Francisco. Damn the walls are thin in my building...... Woke up more than 4 times throughout the night to my semi hotty neighbor boning the shit out of some broad next door. And unfortunately I heard every breath of it. So awful. All I have to say is I hope she gets knocked up over it! I'm so tired today. HA.

In other news, things are gettin' crazy, but in a good way, generally. Went through some bullshit over the weekend where I got an up close glimpse of the insanity of women. I watched this girl rip through a dude for completely unjust reasons.... so selfish and so self absorbed. So unreasonable. It makes me sick to think about. And the worst part is that the girl was me. But as usual everything happens for a reason and this is no exception. Lessons learned, and we can move on.

Getting busy with a bunch of freelance wardrobe gigs. Working on two separate films in the month of November and also diving into some more print work. I still get scared and nervous and have the initial inclination to back out, but I CANT and won't. I have to try or I'll never get anything I want. I have a plan....

*build up my list of credits (especially on movies and with film projects) that is at least a page long by this time next year.

I really want to work towards wardrobe for a full time job.... particularly on movie or television sets. Yea that means going back to LA, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. For the time being I can experience everything here while I'm building that credits list, making contacts and getting experience. Plus there's a lot to reach for as far as getting into costume for stage here. SAN FRANCISCO... Hello!?

And on the other hand, I was building the production calendar for my job yesterday and just slipped in all the deadlines for my own line. It got me really excited, fictitious or not, and I want to pursue it full force. Launch time: JULY 2009.
This is one that I've wanted for as long as I can remember. One of the biggest perks to this job was the possibility of getting to do that. I have to take full advantage, and that is what will take up my mental space in my spare time from this point on.

New plan: don't worry about anything else but getting my shit in line and being successful in my endeavors.

Unfortunately, I feel like you lose friends when you have this attitude. Does it make it wrong?? Maybe the reality is that if you're moving forward quickly, you're likely leaving others behind. While I don't know how to be anything BUT ambitious, it still leaves me feelings somewhat alone.

Death Van for Dummies.

I had to tell myself after this experience that if I HAD been killed by this man's drug induced awful driving last week when scoring a ride home from the art show, I fully deserved it. What a "small town girl" thing to do when you trustingly take a ride home with a semi-sketchy man you met five minutes earlier.






One should ALWAYS be cautious of a man rollin' around town with his white pomeranian.


And did I mention he drove a scary child molester van? Because he sure did.

Lesson learned and possible new marketing slogan: If you value your life, take Muni.

Social Mishaps.

Toilet paper following your cute boots around a popular bar. it almost happened to me this weekend but I caught it. PHEW.

Tripping in any way shape or form... even worse when you hit the ground. You can laugh if off, do the ever-popular "look behind you", or my favorite: stay on the ground and act like you're unconscious so no one will laugh, but be concerned and scared instead.

And the infamous food in your teeth when you're chattin up a hotty. DEATH. Our artshow photographer had no intention of catching this broad's precautionary actions on camera. Who passes by a mirror and DOESN'T look in it? If you say you don't, you're lying. I, however, can admit that I generally refrain from checkin' my grill. But hey,... hope she scored that night. HA

Lesson Learned.

I was completely irritated after the launch party last night. I can't even completely explain why..... it's amazing how ungrateful people are at an open bar. May I remind you, THIS SHIT IS FREE?! When the booze run out (which is often sooner rather than later), the crowd hits the trail like the circus is in town. I told a "patron" that the keg was tapped, but he should go get a tall can and come back and hang out longer. He responded with "Eh,.."

Really? You surely just drank nearly $100 of our booze for free. My favorite part is counting the douche's who didn't even mutter out a "thanks". NEWSFLASH: You won't lose any of your surely well deserved "street cred" by being polite to your bartender. Or by being a decent person in general. Just saying.

To make a long ass night short, the moral is:



never trust a someone sketchy lookin' dude with a Pomeranian.
Quick flash back:
Dude shows up at our party.
Dude has a less than stoked look on his face all night.
Dude talks to me for a bit outside, but is somewhat scary in a "could possibly be a serial killer" way.
Dude ends up drinking a beer with my coworker at a nearby bar where I stop by after the party's done.
Dude lives downtown, offers me a ride home. I accept. (stupid).
Dude walks me and coworker to his car, which is conveniently parked in the middle of the sidewalk on Fillmore.
Dude carelessly tosses the parking ticket off onto the ground, and exits his "spot" possibly with a minor sideswipe to a tree.

Some things never change.

"Contr​olled​ drink​ing doesn​'​t work for alcoh​olics​.​ Neith​er does absti​nence​.​ That'​s alcoh​olism​.​ Alcoh​olics​ can'​t drink​ and they can'​t not drink​.​ While​ they can drink​ sensi​bly on occas​ion,​ they
can'​t do so consi​stent​ly.​ And, while​ they can absta​in from drink​ing for a time,​ they can'​t do so persi​stant​ly and comfo​rtabl​y.​"

"​There​'​s More to Quitt​ing Drink​ing than Quitt​ing Drink​ing"​ Dr. Paul O. p.13, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.



I admire the people sitting to my right that hang out and have a good time and don't HAVE to drink. They probably have no idea that I aspire to be like them. The confusing part comes into play when I simultaneously look to my left and see the people chillin' out and being safe and drinking responsibly.... how I aspire to be them at the same time. What do you do when you're heart tells you that you deserve better but your body says fuck it?

New Digs and New Potholes.

First night at the new place.
Makeshift bed on the ground.
New friends outside my window.

I always tend to have wildlife friends hangin' outside my house. I've developed, in only one night, a strong fear of these fuckers. I have this vision (nightmare, really) of one of them getting into my apartment and flying around..... Solutions?! Bug net?? Broom? A friend of mine thoughtfully suggested a blanket to throw over it. And then? C'mon dude. His next suggestion was a bb gun of sorts. Really? Am I a sniper now?
I'm gonna go with postin' up the fake owl out my window, or maybe resorting to a super soaker if need be. But that's the only firearms I'm packin.
And of course, the infamous finale to the first night at the new place...

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Productively Productive.

... when I'm at my best. Check out this website: http://melaniepullen.com/
That chick's super rad. I did wardrobe on a photoshoot last weekend with a local photographer who wanted to re-create the same idea but right before their death.





Thoughts??
It was a fun shoot and they all really liked what I did. Mish accomplished. Next: dead models.

I like.

The Tenderloin. Downtown San Francisco. Floods of people drinking tall cans in paper bags on the streets. A collection of all my dream boys put together, no one less than super steezy. Amazing art and live music inside the doors. I may have died and gone to heaven. I mean, what else is there?

It's all happening.

Got a new place.
Got a roommate on my bad side.
Lost a friend.
Gained some keys.
Kissed someone I didn't mean to.
Drank too much.
Kissed someone I shouldn't have.
Pissed someone off.
Slept on the ground.
Worked my ass off.
Scheduled some upcoming photoshoots.
Met a new friend.
Mentally and emotionally cut a potential boy from the team.
Saw a bitchin' art show.
Went out with some new people.
Explored some new bars.
Met a man named Rojo from Maui.
Saw more hotty boys than I've ever seen in one condensed area.
Found myself in a difficult spot.
Didn't kiss someone even though I really wanted to.





And it's only Sunday.

Will Work For Boots.

Is it bad that I've spent my entire lunch break today scheming of what I can pawn at my house or what bill I can neglect paying in an effort to score these amazing boots I found online today??

I personally don't think so. Here's why.

I don't have a family to support. Just myself. It's not a problem to not eat for a few days as a result of an empty wallet. The reason it's worth it.... super cute shoes.
....Do I need to seek therapy?

When I was a youngin' in college, I'd blow my entire paycheck on getting tattooed. Every paycheck, the same thing. I knew that I wouldn't die of starvation (for one reason because my parents were helping to support me through school), and the worst case scenario is that I'd be super broke and not able to go out and blow money at the bar. But as a result I'd have a rad tattoo forever, only having to endure a two week pay periods worth of struggle. Being at a good stopping point in my tattoo endeavors, my spending habits have not made any real changes. I suppose it's just the goal at hand that has shifted.

Are the boots in the photo the boots in question?? No. Would I post the boots in question,....? The ones I won't be able to stop thinking about until I've put my cursed credit card number out into cyberspace..... I would NEVER post them on a blog like this, because I"d be spilling out a possibly still well kept secret. Why would you tell all your friends where a hidden treasure is? Aren't we all greedy little bitches, and isn't part of the REASON we spend $200 on a pair of shoes so that we get some kind of RECOGNITION for a rad find?

You feel the same way, you're just afraid to say it out loud. I'm onto you.

Paper cup.

I was once in a place where I saw the good in everything. And though it might've taken me reminding myself to flip into that mental state, I was still able to do it. Recently I've noticed my quickness to complain and wishing and wanting and prodding and fiddling and stabbing and fucking with.




Yesterday someone said something about how we strive for things and say what we want and how bad we want it and where we want to be going and how we'll do anything to get there... we're so busy talking and wishing and wanting and prodding and fiddling and stabbing and fucking with that we didn't even notice that we're already there.

Week Five.

I don't know how to keep my attitude and my heart at a neutral position. I don't know how to keep my mind completely open and keep my expectations at zero. I had a rough weekend and not in any drastic event, but just in the colaboration of semi-shitty events that occurred, topped off with the lack of productivity that you know kills me.

I feel that I'm quickly losing confidence in myself in every aspect and possibility of it... I don't know why, but it hurts and it's scary. I almost want to say "I wish I could start this all over" but that's silly because at 5 weeks in you can definitely start every single day as it was the first.....

I am so hard on myself but I can't stop being that way.

Ultimately I feel very alone in the world right now and it's the loneliest I've felt in a very long time.

Scary Dudes Scaring Dudes.

Yea dude.

My incredibly smart, talented, fantastic, lovely and well-meaning roommate decided to create a profile for me on his "Secret super rad online dating sight". I, having no real interest in participating, humored him and let him go for it. Of course topping off the experience with a super lame profile name, my new life in the online dating world was born.

I think what he meant to say was, choose the least lame and least monsterous looking dude in the bunch and see if it works out.

Riiiiiiiiiight.

Mom, meet my new boyfriend Alan.





28/M/SF. Loves long walks on the beach, hiking and things of that nature. And hey, our personality tests match us up to a whoppin' 21% match. I think he's the one I've been waiting for. Thanks again, roomie.

God damn I need a camera.

This one, in fact.

And fast.








Oh the random things these eyes have seen in the last 24 hours alone. Just to paint a mental picture since I know you're dying to know, and like I've referenced before, the spill-in-the-purse has made catching these images impossible these days.

1 day ago.
*My new best friend, a mid twenties amputee squatter gutter punk in upper haight on crutches asked me for a smoke last night as I walked by. I gave her one of course, not only because it's smoker karma but because half of her head was shaved revealing her enormous Pabst Blue Ribbon tattoo. Sorry Long Beach tattoo enthusiasts,... your head tattoos got NOTHIN' on this bitch.

*(Also in upper haight last night).... a random 20 feet span of sidewalk completely covered with a plethora of different postcard size fliers creating a see of gloss and color. It was amazing, and totally something to be documented. Funny, my company looked at the same sight but with her different perception and said "Ew, so much litter". Fair enough.

1 hour ago.
*The most awkward display of facial hair I've ever seen on a young gent cruisin through Lower Haight. Words cannot even describe. Lens needed.

*And of course the ridiculous/rad murals adorning nearly every wall you pass by.




Seriouslly.... I gotta make somethin' happen soon. My memory will one day fail me and that will be a sad sad day.

Much To Do About Nothing.

What do you do when you move to a new city and you don't know anybody.

What do you do when you have the social skills of the mayor but you can't seem to work them out to fit the scenario...

What do you do when you love drinking at dive bars but you get off work and can't manage to go to three doors down because you'll be all alone?

What do you do when you wonder if you've made a mistake but know you can't turn back because of pride?

What do you do when you think you might have a problem but can't come to grips with it?

What do you do when you look you're entire life for someone that meets the list of qualifications and you've found so few people to relate?

And what do you do when you know that you have so much to do in your life but don't know how to go about it or where to go do it?









The best solution I have in my 3am drunkin' stooper.........:

. Dont stop. That would be pussy as hell.

.Dont doubt. Every other fuck head can pull rad shit. So can I.

.Stay true. Don't forget these rough times. Don't forget the T.I.... Don't forget the L.B. Don't forget Dinuba and the fact that no gets outta there without a sleugh of kids from different pops' and a rough meth addiction.

.Remember what occupied time at age 5: (drawing and playing piano) and what will occupy time at age 25: drawing and playing. Make something happen. Not everyone has that chance.

. Remember how lucky you are. ....young as fuck.... amazing experiences under thee ol' belt. And time to do the rest of the bullshit later on when I'm worn out and wrinkley.

Appreciate. Possibly the roughest. It's so hard for me. It's SO EASY to look at everything I have going on and disregard EVERYTHING THAT'S RAD and focus entirely on all the things I or my life lack. It's so sick. Seriouslly. It's such a mental illness. I am so fortunate. The fact that I take such extreme advantage of that makes me sick to my stomach.
....and then I hang out with others. And their attitudes and disregard make me sicker-- near death, really.


....are these the angst of being an ambitious/23 or being a schizophrenic/codependent?

Up Up Down Down Left Right A A B B....

In one weekend.

Daddy brought Boots home a 3 story ferret condominium. She is spoiled as fuck.

Mommy made a few poor choices including leaving her ATM card in the ATM. Rad.

Successfully watched more than 6 hours of Intervention. Straight. This has definitely come to a rock bottom. We need an intervention on us watching Intervention.

Confirmation of me and Jason's ferret tattoo has been solidified.

White People Food.

Adapting to any new environment is interesting. A new job is extra interesting, because you're bound to spend the majority of your week there. My job has turned out to be definitely tolerable at very least. I've thought about it a lot, and we're gonna even go with "inspiring". We'll leave the asterisks for another blog.

One interesting thing about my job is that no one really takes a legit lunch break. Generally people go get lunch and come back to their desk and eat while they work through it. When you're already working a 9 hour day (at very least) this is an interesting tid bit. Being new to the area, I'm seeing all of these lunch venue options for the first time... sizing up variety and price point... and factoring in the fact that most places in San Francisco are all about cash only.

While there's food all over the place,... next door, across the street, cadi-corner... pizza, falafels, coffee shops, thai food, sushi, delis, walgreens,... you name it....

I found the gold mine.

Love n Haight deli.




An amazing vegetarian menu... and the real diamond in the rough is the grilled cheese with tomatoes.... Less than $3.00. After a little research, it's the tastiest/cheapest deal on the block.

After a few days of consecutive grilled cheese action, my coworkers have caught on to my addictive ways.

And I was blatantly informed today that grilled cheese is a stereotypical "white people's food".

Learn somethin' new everyday.

How To Lose A Girl in One Date.

*Make sexual innuendos in the first five minutes of hangin' with her.

*Invite her to your completely unfurnished apartment to "hang out" after drinks.

*Walk ahead of her down the street.

*Call out her low skill set in pool.

*Order drinks on her tab.

*Talk about your ex.




Let's just say there will likely not be a follow up date.

In the midst of all these changes I forget that being somewhere new presents the opportunity to be anyone you want to. No one knows otherwise. That idea slipped my mind as I started my new life, but overall I don't have any desire to be anyone other than who I am naturally. But in the past few days I've been deeply wondering what it is I am SUPPOSED to be doing with myself... overall.






I think it's time to revisit and remember where I came from.

To All My Bay Area Peeeeeeeeeps

Yeaaaa, all y'alllll.

Wait. I don't have any friends. HA.

But, I dragged my amazing roommate out tonight who is anti-going out. Not too rad for school, but too rad to go to these sorts of places. I hate/aspire. And I appreciate the "take one for the team" mentality. New besty. Done and done.

It was a nice evening. I was glad to get out of my house tonight.... kinda stoked to talk about something that mattered while at the bar. A first for some period of time...... aside, only to my business meetings with Sasha that were ALWAYS ONLY BUSINESS.

Stoked about the fashion show, and doing it with people who give a fuck. It's a nice refresher. Who'd have thought-- three people who were willing to spend a portion of their night talking about work even when they weren't getting paid to do so. SHOCKING.

Stoked for the weekend. Excited to go to this meditation I've been wanting to go to forever. Excited to see friends I haven't seen in awhile. Excited to sleep in. Excited to get started working on m show.

Um I guess that's all.

Yea not that rad. But no tears for nearly 5 days in a row.

Epic.

Tales of Public Transportation.

So before I left my mom told me that it would be hard to adjust to taking public transportation to work everyday. I shrugged and didn't think much about it. I didn't anticipate it being a hard transition for me, and really it hasn't been. Sure, it takes a hell of a lot longer to get to work and back, but I always see it as a fun experience. You never know who's gonna be on the bus you catch,... you don't know if it's gonna be packed to complete claustrophobia levels or if you'll be the only soul on there..... I think it's even fun to see what bus driver you get and if you recognize them from any previous bus riding experiences.

I wish I had a camera so that I could properly document some of my experiences on the muni so far. Unfortunately my camera was recently destroyed in a bad open container in purse escapade. Words really can't do justice to some of the visions these eyes have seen. But I will do my best.

*Recent experiences have exposed me to things such as a lovers feud at 7am near the stop I catch my first bus to work at in the morning. I was on the phone with a friend of mine talking about the state of the union and things of that nature when a larger black man with a full grill of gold asked to bum a cigarette. Me being the nice and humane indvidual I am, I put my phone conversation on the back burner and managed to pull a parli out of the depths of my "way too big" purse. I gave it to "gold teeth" and tried to continue my conversation. Well he wanted to join in. He asked me where I was headed, whether or not I was going to school, where I worked,.... obviouslly I was on the phone. Moments later a man comes quickly by followed by a screaming girlfriend of his... he picked up his pace and was soon sprinting down my street with her chasing behind. I continued my conversation but damn.... a lot of action all before 8am.

*I have a favorite "neighbor" if you will. She (?) lives on Treasure Island also... I've seen her several times now and she's always in "uniform". She makes me really wish my camera was functioning. Might I paint a picture? Please, allow me.
4'5" possibly.
Black (girl?)
Hair in cornrows that create little pointy mountain kind.
A slipknot shirt.
Black cargo shorts hitting at the knee.
Combat boots of sorts.
Multiple studded belts.
A spike collar.
THE KICKER: Fly-like raver goggles that she wears ON her eyes at all times.
...oh and a North Face backpack, of course. Obviouslly.

*I overheard a woman at the bus stop yesterday saying that on her way to work the bus driver stopped and told everyone they had to get off unless two somewhat obnoxious girls got off. The bus was stalled for maybe twenty minutes over the feud and I guess this isn't the first time it's happened. I guess drivers are putting their foot down these days to stop the idiocy. As a result I got on the bus the following day to a police escort riding along with us.

*There's a corner I pass every day to and from work. 1st and Mission isn't overly inhabited by bums but it still smells like piss and bo all day everyday. I wonder how that stuck so hard and what uber smelly bum is responsible.

*Yesterday I got on a crowded bus from upper haight on my way home for the day. I had just gotten a coffee and have to admit I was a little nervous about having to stand (for lack of seating) with a full coffee while the driver might make some screeching stops. I mean, it could be disastrous. And this was my first time at this. Luckily, I got a seat and it was right next to a smelly older gentlemen probably in his late 60's. He told me he's seen me around town because he recognized my tattoos. He asked me what I did and I said I was a designer. He proceeded to tell me that he also was a designer and specialized in war attire.
The best part is that I found a small place in my mind to maybe believe him.

*The bus to my house is the ONLY bus that goes to Treasure Island. The riders of the bus are about 80% black and most like to cause a ruckus. Common cliche occurrences on the morning ride:

.People playing music loudly from their phone and singing along.

.Kids carving or drawing on any blank spot inside the bus.

.People talking like jerks on the phone to their significant other... SO loudly that I've gathered pretty much all the details of their life together.

.Black middle age women talking about how much time they have clean (always while they're eating potato chips. I don't know why). There's a sober living or some kind of rehabilitation program on the island.

.And then the very minority white business woman who's just trying to get to work and is overly annoyed with the transportation situation she's in to get there. This woman described would NOT be me. I love it. It's entertainment.








This is why I don't need a tv.

Solo.

It's Saturday night and I'm sitting home alone on the computer. I haven't done this in a really long time. It feels very awkward. I have to admit that I'm pretty lonely here. Granted I've only been here a week... and a lot has happened in a week. There has been some major development. None the less, still lonely as fuck. Part of me wonders if I made a mistake. Maybe I should have left good alone. I had a kick ass apartment. I had a ton of amazing friends. Maybe I should have stayed in Long Beach and tried to find a new job there. I don't know. There's no way of knowing if I would've been happy doing that... and there's no way of knowing if I'll be happy here. It's such a toss up. And I don't know what it all matters anyway.... like why does any of it REALLY matter? I need to take some time and really think about what it is I want for my life.... what is it I'm trying to do with myself. What's the big idea. What do I want to accomplish overall and how do I get there. I don't know those answers at this moment but I think I need to start thinking about it.

It has begun to hit home that a lot of people I have seen around and/or known for the past few years in Long Beach will not be a part of my life anymore. It makes me really really sad. I feel very confused right now and I wish someone could just tell me what I'm supposed to do with myself. Sometimes having my destiny laid at my own hand is too much for me. I can't take the pressure.

In a nut shell--
MY HOUSE. It's cool. The boys are all really laid back dudes and they totally like me. Two out of three of them have girlfriends which kinda bugs.... only for my own selfish reasons. Because if they didn't they would probably hang out a lot more. But who is single these days? Everyone's got something brewing. Except me at the moment.

The house in general is chill but it's kind of a bummer living out here on the island. It feels like it takes forever to get anywhere . Mostly just the whole waiting for the bus thing. The drive to the city is super quick but then there's the parking situation. I feel a little secluded living on the island. I feel like if I lived in the city and I was bored on a Saturday night I could just walk down to the nearest dive and post up. But that's not possible here.

The house is very dude run. This would be because it's a house full of dudes. Except for the last week of course. I haven't completely unpacked but I'm hesitant to really put much up on the walls or decorate. For some reason I feel like I'm not going to be here for that long. I don't know what that's about.

MY JOB. Very hard to say what the deal is with that. I had high hopes for this new opportunity and I hoped that it would all pan out in the best way possible. In the back of my mind I had some doubts about certain things..... a lot of those things have proven correct. It's kind of a bummer. My first few days have been really rough. Every day it's getting a little better, and I'm sure that will continue. But I can't say that I'm stoked to go to work Monday.

I'm trying to look at the coin from both sides though. What I really wanted was to move to SF. I was down to take a really shitty job just to have A JOB and get out here and start something new. I didn't HAVE to do that. I got a job still in the industry, paying a little more than my last job, and giving me some new opportunities to learn. I need to think about that and remember that everyday. What can I bring to the table here and how can I help them out with my experience and education? I am trying to look at it that way.

MY FRIENDS. Well, I don't really have any. I know people here and there but it's the pretty standard situation for moving somewhere new. People at work are pretty chill and my roommates are super cool dudes. I am trying to remember that it took 6 years of living in Long Beach to acquire what I left there with. And there is something exciting about everything being new. I like riding the bus for one reason mostly.... just to see the people on there, scope out the cutest dude on the bus, watch the crazy people,.....

MY PLAN. I guess I don't really have one. Unpack? Let's start small.

I absolutely have to give SF a good solid year. I owe that to myself. And if I'm not happy at that time I can move back or move on. Italy is still a possibility. And no matter where I go from here, I needed this refresher course in movin' up and out. I forgot what it was like.

There's a lot I can do in a year also....
.Try to get some organization going for Empire.
.Learn how to work with overseas manufacturers
. Learn how to layout art for the printers.
. Possibly learn how to do catalog layout on In Design (a small goal I have for this new job).
. Rack up some experience and time doing buying for the store.
.Meanwhile work in my spare time on garments for my fashion show in February (produced by Sasha Gold.)
. Get more into freelance wardrobe.
. Build my portfolio for wardrobe.
.Do as many freelance wardrobe gigs as possible in SF.
. Start a network of photographers and models in SF.
. Get involved with musicians in SF. Maybe get into a new band.
. Start writing/recording my own songs.

And the list goes on and on and on. I need to definitely take some time tomorrow and think about what it is I want out of all of this.

I Didn't Cry Today.

... A first since I started my new job. Things may be on the upswing. However thinking of this picture has made me laugh through tears in the past few days. This shit's hilarious.

Talk is cheap.

I hope that I am never a person others would consider as "a dreamer". While that's not a bad thing, I never want to be a person who doesn't follow through. A friend of mine had said recently that if you do something everyday towards a goal, even if it's the smallest action ever, at least you're consistently moving forward towards it,.. not just staying in one place and DEFINITELY not moving backward.

Shock me shock me.

What if it turns out I made a mistake. What if I'm not happy. What if I'm miserable. What if my job is a total joke. What if I'm not good enough for my job. What if I can't hold it down financially. What if I hate my house. What if I hate my roommmates. What if they hate me. What if I have to work all the time and never get to play. What if I have no one to play WITH. What if I don't meet anyone new. What if I realize that I've taken most of my life for granted. What if everything is happening too quickly. How do you ever know what is right?

At my current job I've always had to fight for designs that I really believe in. I've always had to defend everything despite the snide remarks or jokes the bosses made about designs I did. I made a purple penleton last season that the bosses said looked like a "black people shirt". Today I was informed that Hot Topic bought the shirt for a test run of 5,000 units to start.

Shocker.

My Weekend.

Comforted a friend who needed it. Checked out a friends band who wanted some support. Packed as much as the boxes I had would allow. Scored a new ferret. Spent time with a cousin I haven't seen in forever. Had the first and last semi-party at this apartment. Peed off my balcony twice (stupid). And did this shoot with Adam.











I'm spent.

Thank GOD.

Could've been rough.

I love my mum.

My mom is generally the best ever. Not only my best friend but just an all around good person. She came all the way down here on her last days off of work to help me clean the grimiest of grime in my apartment while I was at work. I came home to a near spotless place, and of course she was just happy to help me. She preceded to take me to sushi, go to starbucks and kick it with me and my friend Zac to talk shit while watching the good ol' Olympics. I feel like no "thanks" is ever good enough. Not for any one thing she does, and definitely not for the endless list of things she's done. I've always felt that way. She is so selfless. I can only hope and aspire to be so selfless some day. It feels beyond me. I'm SELFISH. AS FUCK. When will I grow out of that....? I'm so lucky to have an amazing family. It becomes more clear to me on a daily basis that MOST PEOPLE don't have that. It hurts my heart to think about anything happened to anyone I love. The world is crazy and life is crazier.

On a lighter note.... jumped the last hurdle today on the moving tip. Put in the notice with the ol' jobby. The blank stare on my bosses face was not what I expected. I don't know what I expected. When all is said and done, it just is what it is. That is all.

I feel bad that I don't have time to return a lot of calls because everything is so hectic. I don't want anyone to think that I'm avoiding them or not spending time on them. I just HAVE NO TIME at all to try to organize and compartmentalize my life right now, but I still have to. (Is compartmentalize a word?? If not, it should be.)

And lastly,... still kinda tripping on some major shit. If this last thing would fully come to surface, I'd feel like I have the ability to be... happy?? Excited?? Just be. Period. As of now it's all about "ignore".

2nd Street.

I took a friend of mine out to dinner tonight for her "after-birthday" birthday dinner. She had a party that I swore I would show up to, and in standard "me" fashion I couldn't make it. But it was legit... I had to fly to SF for a potential job that turned out to be my NEW job and the reason for currently being on the verge of a completely different life than the one I currently entertain. None the less, it was a nice evening. I don't see "friend" much anymore, because of differences that have caused us to gain some major distance. It's unfortunate and was really devastating at the time. By now, I feel, at least, time has healed some wounds and we're able to enjoy a meal together without it being awkward or unnatural. Not completely back to original status, but I guess that's typical of a "falling out".

We sat at a little table on the patio and I noticed the air outside being probably the coldest it's been here the entire summer. I thought to myself how much I love the cold and how I need to score a couple rad jackets before the relocation. In the time it took to devour a greek salad and a crepe, I saw 5 (separate) people I knew, who each stopped to shoot the shit. I realized that in a few weeks I won't see people I know walking down the street. The thought excites me and scares me simultaneously. "Scares" is actually the wrong word. Maybe "intrigues".

I also decided that the crepe was the finale of food for awhile. The Mary Kate Olsen diet begins tomorrow.

I hate disappointing people.

I'm sorry.

Things I Will Miss.