Sunday, September 7, 2008


It's Saturday night and I'm sitting home alone on the computer. I haven't done this in a really long time. It feels very awkward. I have to admit that I'm pretty lonely here. Granted I've only been here a week... and a lot has happened in a week. There has been some major development. None the less, still lonely as fuck. Part of me wonders if I made a mistake. Maybe I should have left good alone. I had a kick ass apartment. I had a ton of amazing friends. Maybe I should have stayed in Long Beach and tried to find a new job there. I don't know. There's no way of knowing if I would've been happy doing that... and there's no way of knowing if I'll be happy here. It's such a toss up. And I don't know what it all matters anyway.... like why does any of it REALLY matter? I need to take some time and really think about what it is I want for my life.... what is it I'm trying to do with myself. What's the big idea. What do I want to accomplish overall and how do I get there. I don't know those answers at this moment but I think I need to start thinking about it.

It has begun to hit home that a lot of people I have seen around and/or known for the past few years in Long Beach will not be a part of my life anymore. It makes me really really sad. I feel very confused right now and I wish someone could just tell me what I'm supposed to do with myself. Sometimes having my destiny laid at my own hand is too much for me. I can't take the pressure.

In a nut shell--
MY HOUSE. It's cool. The boys are all really laid back dudes and they totally like me. Two out of three of them have girlfriends which kinda bugs.... only for my own selfish reasons. Because if they didn't they would probably hang out a lot more. But who is single these days? Everyone's got something brewing. Except me at the moment.

The house in general is chill but it's kind of a bummer living out here on the island. It feels like it takes forever to get anywhere . Mostly just the whole waiting for the bus thing. The drive to the city is super quick but then there's the parking situation. I feel a little secluded living on the island. I feel like if I lived in the city and I was bored on a Saturday night I could just walk down to the nearest dive and post up. But that's not possible here.

The house is very dude run. This would be because it's a house full of dudes. Except for the last week of course. I haven't completely unpacked but I'm hesitant to really put much up on the walls or decorate. For some reason I feel like I'm not going to be here for that long. I don't know what that's about.

MY JOB. Very hard to say what the deal is with that. I had high hopes for this new opportunity and I hoped that it would all pan out in the best way possible. In the back of my mind I had some doubts about certain things..... a lot of those things have proven correct. It's kind of a bummer. My first few days have been really rough. Every day it's getting a little better, and I'm sure that will continue. But I can't say that I'm stoked to go to work Monday.

I'm trying to look at the coin from both sides though. What I really wanted was to move to SF. I was down to take a really shitty job just to have A JOB and get out here and start something new. I didn't HAVE to do that. I got a job still in the industry, paying a little more than my last job, and giving me some new opportunities to learn. I need to think about that and remember that everyday. What can I bring to the table here and how can I help them out with my experience and education? I am trying to look at it that way.

MY FRIENDS. Well, I don't really have any. I know people here and there but it's the pretty standard situation for moving somewhere new. People at work are pretty chill and my roommates are super cool dudes. I am trying to remember that it took 6 years of living in Long Beach to acquire what I left there with. And there is something exciting about everything being new. I like riding the bus for one reason mostly.... just to see the people on there, scope out the cutest dude on the bus, watch the crazy people,.....

MY PLAN. I guess I don't really have one. Unpack? Let's start small.

I absolutely have to give SF a good solid year. I owe that to myself. And if I'm not happy at that time I can move back or move on. Italy is still a possibility. And no matter where I go from here, I needed this refresher course in movin' up and out. I forgot what it was like.

There's a lot I can do in a year also....
.Try to get some organization going for Empire.
.Learn how to work with overseas manufacturers
. Learn how to layout art for the printers.
. Possibly learn how to do catalog layout on In Design (a small goal I have for this new job).
. Rack up some experience and time doing buying for the store.
.Meanwhile work in my spare time on garments for my fashion show in February (produced by Sasha Gold.)
. Get more into freelance wardrobe.
. Build my portfolio for wardrobe.
.Do as many freelance wardrobe gigs as possible in SF.
. Start a network of photographers and models in SF.
. Get involved with musicians in SF. Maybe get into a new band.
. Start writing/recording my own songs.

And the list goes on and on and on. I need to definitely take some time tomorrow and think about what it is I want out of all of this.

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