Monday, January 12, 2009


...things are going well. Looking up, I'd say. I can't say this at any point of any particular day but as a general consensus that is the verdict. 9 days sober today. I am trying to remind myself that the in and out activity I've been puliln' for the past few years isn't something to "regret or close the door on" but something that hopefully I can share with someone else someday and they might be able to benefit from it. What else is there to think? It is possibly more difficult than any time in the past that I've tried to stay off the sauce. For one reason, I don't know any sober people here. I don't know many people here at all. My social network extends as far as the dudes that I work with (all dudes,...) and the dudes that I've either dated in the past since moving here or have had in recent rotation. When I feel completely unwelcome, uncomfortable or just straight up weird in a meeting, it is the harsh reality that my comfortable place and somewhat comfortable people are absolutely at the bar at any given moment. Or they would surely be down for it if I suggested it. I've been pushing this idea out of my mind with the reminder that if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. Frankly I don't want anything to do what I've been getting lately. When I cut the bullshit, the reality of the situation is that I don't work up to my potential, I have no standards, I allow people to treat me completely inappropriate, I lose sight of anything that matters, and I'm completely emotionally unstable. It's not cute but it's the truth. You, (Friends at the bar RIGHT NOW AT THIS MOMENT) probably can't relate to those feelings. Because you're either a) normal or b) unaware of the fact that you can do better and have better.

Ugh. Off that soapbox. The moral of the story is that shit is hard for me right now emotionally but I know from experience that it gets better. And I know for a fact that RIGHT NOW I'm okay and things are on the rise for me. I'm beginning to find contentment with my job. I'm starting to seek out new opportunities in music. I've already begun cutting ties with people who have abused my kindness for weakness and I've started re-evaluating and attempting to rebuild my worth. I'm starting to feel comfortable in my own home and even enjoy being there. I'm getting excited for the future of things and starting to build my nest by whatever means possible.

A really awesome opportunity has popped up recently that's had me super torn, apprehensive, nervous, scared, anxious,... everything you can imagine. But it's still something to work towards and I've decided it's my reason for being here for 09.

More to come,...

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