Tuesday, February 3, 2009

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I am so tired and mentally drained right now. I feel really defeated right now. My job is super rough. It's just nothing that I thought it would be. It was tolerable for awhile but it's completely not at this point. Maybe it's me. I don't know. It's just that nothing at all is at all entertaining to me here right now. Nothing is funny. I haven't laughed once today. I haven't said more than a few words to anyone today. I haven't accomplished much at all. I can't do much. I feel like all of my job responsibilities are haulted because of one thing or another. I just feel completely stopped. Somewhat worthless. I'm broke as fuck. My refrigerator is completely empty. I am unable to pay my bills. I am consistently asking for financial assistance. My short lived drive about the clothing line endeavor has completely fallen off a cliff as a result of the realization I've come to about how possible it actually isn't... I guess the truth of the situation. I just went to an interview yesterday for a new opportunity,... I felt it went really well,... I had/have high hopes but haven't heard anything back. I'm trying to stay positive but it's really really hard. I'm trying not to think about it but when I'm so unhappy in my current situation it's hard not to completely dwell on new possibilities. I am holding back tears and watching the minutes tick until I can leave, where I'll go home to no one and find it hard to get the energy or motivation to do anything but lay down and fall asleep. I don't know what's wrong with me but I hate it and can't seem to get out of it. Part of me think that I'm a huge buyer into the saying "the grass is always greener... blah blah blah". Why can't I ever get into gratitude or just be in the now? It is nearly impossible for me. I'm really depressed and want to look forward to something that comes next but have no idea what that even is.

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