Friday, February 6, 2009

Something's gotta give.

Yep. It's been confirmed. The possible job endeavor I flew to LA for on Monday is not going to pan out. I've been depressed as hell since coming back to SF after that interview,.. as much as I tried not to, I got all wrapped up in the idea of moving home,.. being back where "everybody knows your name",... discussing possible living situations,... the ideas looming in my head that once again I could play back in the band that I loved, be around people who care about me, get a lot of things I've been wanting,... I felt like I nailed that interview. But no. I just don't get it. It kills me to think that I'm only good enough for companies that are completely failing. I've gotten my foot in the door at two reputable good companies where I would have LOVED to work. But they didn't want me. How can you stay up when this keeps happening? Im just spinning my wheels trying to figure out what it is that's not good enough for me. I wonder if I even have any business being in this industry. Am I just not talented enough? Is it physical appearance stuff? Do I not look right? I just don't get it. I don't know if it's ever going to change. I don't know what I have to do.

So here we are again. I have to figure out some kind of way to be content. I'm going completely crazy. Do all of these constant rejects mean I'm supposed to stay here? I just don't know anymore. I don't know where to be, where to go, who to turn to anymore. Definitely don't know what makes me happy anymore. I know what used to,.. I know what I THINK will make me happy or fix everything. But I don't believe my brain. I feel like I don't want that much. Just a good life. I just want the chance to work hard and be rewarded for that. Ultimately right now at this moment I really miss my friends and I miss having people around me who know me and care about me. I feel very alone and just a little speck in the scheme of things. I feel really forgotten.

I am trying to practice contrary action to how I feel. Calling people I really don't feel like talking to. Trying to hang out with people this weekend even though it's totally uncomfortable. I don't know what else to do. I guess we will see what happens. I'm just floored at this point.

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