Nonsense.

Insanity. When you're lonely and to medicate that you want to be all alone to cry about how you're lonely. You don't know something so you would rather cry about how you don't know it than do something about it and learn it. I have the inability to understand that I am okay. It's like I'm NOT okay being okay right here right now. I am always looking for something else, more, somewhere else, more. Nothing is ever good enough. I have completely lost sight with what used to make me happy or what is worthy of making me happy now. I am fucked.

Sweet November.

Wow. Busy does not do justice to my life this month. I haven't blogged in awhile. Too much has happened. But we shall try a quick recap.

Ye Olde Election--As we all know, I was unable to vote. But the man took first and all is well in the world. Well not all.... Prop 8 protests weekly.



Big TWO FOUR Birthday-- Flew to the LB. Strongest jack and diet I've had in my life. Southwest. Must've been the altitude. Saw a lot of people I really miss. Drank far too much. Missed my plane to SF. Rad.

D-Stricts Fashon Show--Vip list capped at 300 people. Tons of SF press in the mix. Way stoked. Dress rehearsel goes rad. Models leave. Boss crushes our hearts with his overly constructive criticism. Me and partner feel 2 ft. tall. Hearts are officially broken. Natural next step: go out with friend in town to see the show and get way too drunk. Friend and I see a cat on a leash in the mission. Friend and I meet some random young skateboarder boys outside a bar. Shots are had. I am hit in the eye with something launched from across the room. Possibly black eye in progress. Last call comes and goes. Mob 15 blocks at 2am to boys house I kinda liked. ETA: 3 a.m. Ruin any potential with said boy due to my antics. Fannnn-fuckin-tastic. Boss follows up the next day with extreme remorse for his antics. Friend in town makes me a tiny top hat, which I've been obsessively wanting for weeks. Show goes AMAZING. Complete success. I sport tiny top hat. Fantastic reaction from most. Couple interesting comments from non-fans. Go to Thrasher warehouse party in my hood. Comments such as:
--"Hey Axel Rose."
--"Is it Halloween?"

Dicks. Its a very Carrie Bradshaw thing to do. Some will love it others won't get it. Fair enough. Walk home: we all have to pee and decide to each squat behind a different car in a dim lit alley. I set my open container down on the ground and proceed to get into position. LIGHTS AND SIRENS. Oh shit. Mosey along. Leave open container. "YOU! WITH THE HAIR STYLE". Um, Officer, you mean tiny top hat. I walk over.
TinyTopHat: "...Hi."
OFFICER: "Can you please pour the contents of that out and NOT IN YOUR MOUTH".
TinyTopHat: "....okay...... I'm sorry, we're just on our way home"
OFFICER: "We won't make more of it than it is".
(Officer vrooms off into the night with his crew of motocop homies.EXIT STAGE LEFT.)

Off the hook.

Saturday-- Show family around the city. Union square. Chinatown. Upper Haight. Mom almost falls on the bus. Love her. We stumble upon a Tom's Shoes promotion at Villians in Upper Haight. Buy a pair of Tom's and get them custom spray painted for free. AND get a couple free Sopporo tall cans. Sold.















Nighttime--: Go to everyones favorite bro-land in the city: North Beach. Have to chase not one but TWO city busses on our route. This section of town has some of the most unsteezy people I've ever come in contact with. At least for how pretentious they are. We bounce to the 'Loin. Take friend to Edenburg Castle. The crowd kinda blows so I start playing the piano and taking requests. Always an easy way to make friends. I have a cute fan and he comes with us to bounce across town in attempts to meet up with Broke Ass Stuart,... the author of friend and my #1 read of the year: Broke Ass Stuart's Guide to Living Cheap in San Francisco. We meet up with Stuart. And his girlfriend. Have I mentioned we don't really know Stuart? We bought his book randomly a few weeks past when he was selling it on the street. He gave me his business card, seeing I am a buyer and al. Friend decides to utilize this business card and texts him in attempts to meet up and pick his brain. He responds to text. We relocate to Stuart. Afterall, he wrote a whole book about rad cheap spots in the city. He's gotta be doin' something fun, right? Stuart's kinda a douche and random boy from the 'Loin points out that Stuart looks a little fluffier than his photo on the cover of the book portrays him as. Photoshop. We ditch Stuart and head to some bar called The Phone Booth. I don't remember much about this except that it was last call when we arrived and none of us needed to be ordering a DAMN thing. I smoke pot with some random man on the street. Not a bum, but also not wearing shoes. Very awkward.

Sunday. Friend flies back to homeland. I did my part in a freelance wardrobe gig that I really didn't feel like showing up to. It pays to show up. I did my part. Explored a chinese fast food spot on 7th and Market (a.k.a skid row jr.) Sketchiest chinese I've ever eaten with a Diet Pepsi that tastes like it was made in 98'. Exhausted isn't appropriate verbage for my feeling right now. I don't know what it is. But I had a fantastic weekend and am feeing better about life here on the daily. There is a reason I'm here and I need to remember what that is and think about what matters. What is my time here for? What do I want out of all of this? Who do i want to be and what? All such open-ended free questions. While I figure out all the answers, I also need to work on NOT taking myself so seriously. Progress not perfection.

Update from SOMA Land

Well I've learned that I'm not losing my mind; it is hard to get a good night's sleep here. Comparable to what a friend of mine has told me about living in the Tenderloin, there's bums and people screaming and yelling and causing a ruckus at all hours of the morning/night....clashing, clanging,.... Rough. My friends were in town this weekend and seemed somewhat concerned about my neighborhood haha. Telling them the story of my walk to the liquor store last week and how the one block's stroll provided me two confrontations with homeless black men, the offer of some meth, the offer for some coke, the offer to "go for a ride" in his truck that he swears is really his, the opportunity to buy a "REAL GOLD" anchor necklace and a bum's phone number, my friends were not any more at ease where my safety is concerned. I should've called that phone number. Like did he just pull that number out of his ass? Or is he seriously rollin' through the hood selling crack and talking on his iphone? Now we'll never know.

So it was a great weekend... fantastic to see my friends and show them some stuff. Unfortunately the weather was the worst it's been since I've lived here, but you can't win em all.

So, let's get down to it. Halloween. My costume was somewhat of a success.. had a few dumb asses asking who I was. Unfortunately, not that it's a real huge suprise, I got too drunk, lost my phone, cried, and was driven home by my boss and his 10 month pregnant wife. AWESOME. Amy just can't keep it together. GO BACK TO FUCKING REHAB.



And some other sites of the evening......

Toni will die when she sees this.


.....the mayor of SF and his cokehead side kick....




....Elliot and E.T


....Weedman.



...and these guys. Superman dude is a F-REAK. Not clever either sir. Is that supposed to be your muscles? A small child? Not sure. Work on it for next year.


...All in all one of the better Halloweens I've ever had. Too bad it had to end in tears and a lost cell phone. But hey, gotta keep it in character.

Oh, Random SOMA Party

Had a really fun night last night. Super random,.... super fun. I needed that.

And I'm learning some character traits about Boots McGee that I was never aware of.... she loves to steal my keys and hide them under the couch. I am trying to train her to be a domesticated animal. I'll follow up on this process.

PAIN MEDS.

Drinking more. Eating more. Smoking more. Fucking more.











Who prescribed that? I know for DAMN sure none of that works for me.

Good ol' Xanex? Help.

Sexy Time.

Well I'm about a week deep staying at my new place and last night I had THEE worst sleep of possibly my whole life. Well that's a stretch, but definitely since living here in San Francisco. Damn the walls are thin in my building...... Woke up more than 4 times throughout the night to my semi hotty neighbor boning the shit out of some broad next door. And unfortunately I heard every breath of it. So awful. All I have to say is I hope she gets knocked up over it! I'm so tired today. HA.

In other news, things are gettin' crazy, but in a good way, generally. Went through some bullshit over the weekend where I got an up close glimpse of the insanity of women. I watched this girl rip through a dude for completely unjust reasons.... so selfish and so self absorbed. So unreasonable. It makes me sick to think about. And the worst part is that the girl was me. But as usual everything happens for a reason and this is no exception. Lessons learned, and we can move on.

Getting busy with a bunch of freelance wardrobe gigs. Working on two separate films in the month of November and also diving into some more print work. I still get scared and nervous and have the initial inclination to back out, but I CANT and won't. I have to try or I'll never get anything I want. I have a plan....

*build up my list of credits (especially on movies and with film projects) that is at least a page long by this time next year.

I really want to work towards wardrobe for a full time job.... particularly on movie or television sets. Yea that means going back to LA, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. For the time being I can experience everything here while I'm building that credits list, making contacts and getting experience. Plus there's a lot to reach for as far as getting into costume for stage here. SAN FRANCISCO... Hello!?

And on the other hand, I was building the production calendar for my job yesterday and just slipped in all the deadlines for my own line. It got me really excited, fictitious or not, and I want to pursue it full force. Launch time: JULY 2009.
This is one that I've wanted for as long as I can remember. One of the biggest perks to this job was the possibility of getting to do that. I have to take full advantage, and that is what will take up my mental space in my spare time from this point on.

New plan: don't worry about anything else but getting my shit in line and being successful in my endeavors.

Unfortunately, I feel like you lose friends when you have this attitude. Does it make it wrong?? Maybe the reality is that if you're moving forward quickly, you're likely leaving others behind. While I don't know how to be anything BUT ambitious, it still leaves me feelings somewhat alone.

Some things never change.

"Contr​olled​ drink​ing doesn​'​t work for alcoh​olics​.​ Neith​er does absti​nence​.​ That'​s alcoh​olism​.​ Alcoh​olics​ can'​t drink​ and they can'​t not drink​.​ While​ they can drink​ sensi​bly on occas​ion,​ they
can'​t do so consi​stent​ly.​ And, while​ they can absta​in from drink​ing for a time,​ they can'​t do so persi​stant​ly and comfo​rtabl​y.​"

"​There​'​s More to Quitt​ing Drink​ing than Quitt​ing Drink​ing"​ Dr. Paul O. p.13, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.



I admire the people sitting to my right that hang out and have a good time and don't HAVE to drink. They probably have no idea that I aspire to be like them. The confusing part comes into play when I simultaneously look to my left and see the people chillin' out and being safe and drinking responsibly.... how I aspire to be them at the same time. What do you do when you're heart tells you that you deserve better but your body says fuck it?