ROAD CLOSED.

This week I embarked on a journey to Southern California with a possible ending that would have resulted in a new chapter. I wanted this to happen,.... or so I thought. I've been torn over the whole thing. Not knowing what to do,... not knowing what the right thing is. Not knowing what will make me happy. Being scared shitless of my own decision making capabilities. As things turned out, the road I attempted to go down was closed. No decision is needed. The decision was made for me. I gave this situation up to the stars and put my trust in the universe that things would go how they are supposed to and I believe that is what happened. On top of all that, I had some realizations on my journey that support the whole situation and how things unfolded.

A friend of mine mentioned yesterday that in his experience he has tried to emulate past portions of his life and has always been disappointed. Basically the moral of the story is that as fantastic as things may have been in the past, in a certain place, with certain people, at a certain age, WHATEVER, it's in the past. It was fantastic, but the chapter is done and will never be back again quite the same way. This really effected me and has given me a new appreciation for my life and its current state. I NEEDED THIS.




New Years Resolution: Just to stay in the moment and appreciate everything in life for what it is. Stop FUTURE FUCKING myself and give myself a chance to succeed and be happy.

Change in Preference on the Bullet Train to Tokyo.

Last night I rode a muni line I've never ridden before. I love that. I never know if I'm going to know where to get off. How long I'm gonna be on. What kind of people are going to be on it. The L was no exception to these universal mysteries. To my pleasant surprise, this specific train and it's final destination imply nothing short of the bullet train in Tokyo. God I love Asians. One girl on train commented that watching me was the first time she's seen someone gift wrap a pack of cigarettes. I'm thoughtful. I realized on this short 5 minute MUNI ride that all my life I've seeked out the most troubled looking delinquent male in a crowd as my momentary crush, and these days I instead seek out the individual who is reading A Separate Peace.

Nonsense.

Insanity. When you're lonely and to medicate that you want to be all alone to cry about how you're lonely. You don't know something so you would rather cry about how you don't know it than do something about it and learn it. I have the inability to understand that I am okay. It's like I'm NOT okay being okay right here right now. I am always looking for something else, more, somewhere else, more. Nothing is ever good enough. I have completely lost sight with what used to make me happy or what is worthy of making me happy now. I am fucked.

12/14/08

I've found myself thinking about this all week. I always come back to this moment we were here in the city for the weekend, hanging out,... and I was asked "What do you really want? What do you want to do with your life and what do you think would make you happy?" We were sitting on hippy hill on a Saturday. I remember that I couldn't even really say. I'm so unsure sometimes, of all of those questions. I get scared that what I think will make me happy will fall short in the end. I'm unsure that what I think I want to do will turn out to be wrong for me. I'm nervous about the decisions I have to make that steer my life. I don't feel like my path is at all clear. But I'm trying to think of the things I really want for myself when I listen to the 9th step promises. I don't know what else to do except trust that if I commit myself to this I will get all the things I want for my life. What else do you believe? History is repeating itself every single time I pick up. I've fought for so long to try to pull it all off and the truth comes out every time that the choices I make result in a person I don't like much. Even being fully aware of that, I am having the hardest time gettin' off the sauce. I am just so in the middle, "at the jumping off point". Can't live with it, can't live without it. I feel like this coming week is going to hold some interesting developments. I just have this feeling.

My soundtrack this month.

THIS IS DECEMBER---Charbot Radio.

1. San Francisco-- by Alkaline Trio
2. Wake Up Alone-- by Amy Wino
3. You've Got Maelstrom-- by Blockhead
4. Jesus Christ--by Brand New
5. Blue-- by Catpower
6. Miss Misery-- by Elliot Smith
7. Wayne Andrews, the Old Bee Keeper-- by the Prize Fighter Inferno
8. Loveology-- by Regina Spektor
9. Future Foe Scenarios-- by Silversun Pickups
10. Warrior-- by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Confuscious Confusion.

I've longed for some kind of social life where I felt comfortable... having some kind of stable friends,.... dealing with having to build those relationships from scratch,.. and now that these things are finally coming to me, I neglect all invites for the fear of picking up. Why does this not feel right?

10 DEGREES OF SEPARATION.

1. Exciting to move to something new.
2. Unmanageability living in new situation.
3. Good luck has a new living situation placed at my feet.
4. Bridges are burned.
5. Shit begins to catch flame.
6. Flames have a solution to be put out.
7. Fire continues to burn at unforseen times, despite solution.
8. Confusion makes it's appearance. Contentment creeps in simultaneously.
9. Tug of war begins and two lives run separately and parallel.
10. New possibilities rear their pretty head and I hurry up and wait.

Smoke Signals.

So money is tight around our workplace. Paychecks bouncing. Bills added up to the ceiling. My job is impossible to do in every aspect all as a result of lack of funding. Credit holds. Overdue payments. Its a nightmare really. I try to do my job to the best of my ability but it is merely impossible right now. My boss is pretty much MIA. Everyone in my workplace is feeling the crunch and looking for other jobs. I'm looking as usual with no warm leads, except a shot in the dark chance at a bitchin' internship that is off in the distant future. I'm struggling to get by and doing my best to remain in good spirits. MEANWHILE, we have a somewhat troubled individual at the workplace that is causing me grief. We'll call him Jim. Jim's a rad dude. He works really hard, makes shit happen, has good intentions. But Jim is somewhat of a wreck, super broke, couch surfin kinda dude who doesn't seem to mind living that way and lives his life as if everything is fine. Props to Jim for having a carefree spirit in times of crisis. DISS ON JIM for mooching the fuck out of everyone he knows. I know Jim's roommate, a hardworking rad person, who has had to bail Jim out of jail, front him money up the ass, etc etc. The bossman has helped bail Jim out of jail. At first I felt bad for Jim, and felt bad for the fact that he doesn't have any family here and is somewhat down on his luck. At this point, I don't feel bad for Jim anymore. The sympathy and compassion I had is slipping away everytime this fuckin guy invites himself into my purse and takes cigarettes from me. Now let's get this straight,... I'm not upset about a $0.25 cigarette leaving my possession. It's not about the CIGARETTES. It's about the fact that this dude thinks that when he walks behind me and brushes my shoulder or calls me "baby" as he slyly grabs a bunch of smokes and thinks he's pullin a fast one on me. This is kindness NOT weakness, fucker, and the kindness is coming to a screeching hault. I hate users.

Positive Thinking.

...can move mountains right?

Ab-fucking-fab

I was walking down Haight Street Sunday afternoon feeling less than jazzy. A few strides a head of me, a woman I loosely know had stopped in her tracks, on her cell phone, cracking up and trying to pick up some random trash someone had left on the corner. I stopped to help her if she needed it as she put her phone call on hold. She pointed at a box set of videos laying in the pile of someones trash (and our new treasure). She explained that her arms were too full to carry this gem down the street but I should definitely take it. Hmmm,... a semi random lady encouraging me to steal some random videos off the street corner. SURE! These days all I do is come home from work and watch the same ol' VHS tapes anyway. And I don't know where a Blockbuster is, so devising any kind of change is far out of the question. I take her up on her offer. Come home and pop in a video as I'm making dinner later............ MY LIFE HAS CHANGED.



The funniest shit ever. If you ever want to ever feel like less of a crazy person and laugh even though you really don't feel like it, I'd say this is the ticket.

Enjoy.

The jobby in the mix.

http://thew3st.com/magazine/2008/12/02/yezzy-by-hella-tight/

Check it out. Such an internal struggle.